Teardrops on my guitar

Cheezy song by Taylor Swift but I like it!

frustrating insensitivity hits the spot

Dahil for the nth time, hanggang plano lang ang lahat.

I am so confused about what I feel right now. There’s this anger and frustration and ultimately, sadness because i feel this way… I don’t want to feel this way. I really wanted to go away with my friends but it seems like, again for the –nth time, nobody really cares about it and everybody’s clueless about how I am too excited looking forward to the whole thing. There isn’t any plan yet and then, it’s not happening anymore. I’ve psyched myself about it and I can’t wait to be Friday already. But yesterday, much to my disappointment, I had a hint that it will not be happening… again. It will be cancelled and I’ll have to keep all my expectations to myself. I am just so pissed off but to no one in particular. Why am I being so sensitive about these things? I don’t know but it really shoots up to my head and unless I write about it, it’ll contaminate the saner part of what’s left in my brain. I’m gonna cry like a baby. I want to hibernate… not care anymore and just let things be the way they are. But it is just not me. I can’t do it. I have to do it to lessen my baggage. I am doing it. I will keep to myself from now on and just let my presence felt when someone needs me. But the whole bringing everyone else together and making a big damn deal about it, I guess I am through with it. At least for now.

Because I Hate You.

If I would make a film for that hideous ogre, these are some of the titles I'm considering. Some were from my friend, Edward, who emphatizes with me in my battle to regain a dignity that was lost and stomped upon mercilessly by this heartless / cold-blooded creature (I'm not even sure if he's human).

1. Sa Piling ng mga Bumbay
2. Nang Bulutungin si Ogre (Lalong Pumangit)
3. You stink, you sh*t
4. The F*cktard (The ____ Story)
5. Nang magpasabog ng kasamaan (Naro'n Ka)
6. Nang magpasabog ng kapangitan (Naro'n Ka Pa Din) -- A Sequel
7. Kailan Babango ang Hininga?
8. Meet the F*cker
9. No Heart and Soul
10. Jackass the Movie (The Bumbay Edition)

Forgive me, I sound like a total prick... a loser... a back-stabber... a subversive... or whatever. But this is the only way I could deal with the pressure he so loves putting on my shoulders.

I hate you. I'll probably will for the rest of my G*Ddamn cursed ECCI life.

Cho Seung-Hui

I'm actually hesitant to post anything that would drag the name of Cho Seung-Hui (knowing hundredths of thousands of families are being saddened and heartbroken by the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech... my heart sincerely goes out to all of you) but then, I thought it's not a crime to mention his name nor air an opinion.

I'd like to be honest. I feel a little pang of pity for this guy. I read this blog somewhere saying Seung-Hui -- the lone gunman that killed 32 innocent lives and caused devastation among once happy lives -- was also a victim. He probably was. I have come across a lot of claims that this kid was taunted, bullied, humiliated until he lost self-respect, confined himself to a lost, solitary world and then... snapped. It just amuses me how I never encountered 'racial discrimination'- not once - in any of the stories that came out about this tragedy. I don't have anything against anybody but it is a reality; it is a wound that never heals. As much as any nations would like to make themselves believe that everything's well and everybody's at peace, it remains a distant spec, a vision that nobody knows if it would ever ever go away.

I am an Asian. I am a Filipino. And I've heard millions of stories, of experiences that put 'us' as underdogs, second-bests, little guys... losers, just as we witness a million of stories how we gain pride and respect in other distant foreign lands. Race is probably not the issue; probably it's his so-called retardation or his tendency to 'be a danger to himself' (and to others apparently) but then again things don't JUST happen.

I just wish it never happened.

I can't help but think: what if he was able to save his sanity? He'd probably be a writer... a good one. Who could ever come up with a line like "You vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience"? I apologize, but I find his "final words" too strong... those were flying words that probably came from the deepest recesses of his anger and frustration. Those words were alive; they have a heartbeat that pounds like a maniac.

I, too, hate rich brats. But I wouldn't go as far as killing. I fear myself, others, but most of all, I fear God. But his words stuck in my mind the first time I heard him say it: "Your mercedes wasn't enough, you brats. Your gold necklaces weren't enough, you snobs. Your trust funds weren't enough. Your vodka and cognac weren't enough. All your debaucheries weren't enough. Those weren't enough to fulfill your hedonistic needs. You had everything."

These words were wringing in my ear, reeling in my mind while our country's well-known 'dirty' politicians' faces (while at the act of socializing) were having slideshows in my imagination. I wanted to spray bullets on them as well.

Seriously... Are you my boss?!?!

You're not my fucking boss. Stop pestering me.

If curses could kill, you're probably rotting in hell already. I swear you are, by far, the most annoying creature I've encountered here on earth. Please look at yourself in the mirror then tell me if you deserve an ounce of respect from everybody.

I have clearly defined my functions; probably you're still confused with yours. Or maybe, are you power-tripping you asshole when in fact, you don't have any power that justifies your looking down on everybody. You pathetic jerk... you're a trying hard shit!

Stop telling me what I should do because I know them too well. Bug off. And stop making me do things that I don't like to do. Again, who are you to give orders?! Idiot. Not everybody here are too stupid to follow what you're asking them to do. You're lucky you can get away with you're shit. But hey, not with me. I swear on your fucking ***damn pathetic life, I will be your worst nightmare.

While you still have time, turn around and hide that gap tooth of yours in your shirt. You irk the hell out of me... out of US actually. Go back to where you came from and plant some seeds. Maybe you'd make a great farmer.

The Ramblings of a Hopeless Joint

Sobrang naiinis ako. Actually hindi ko alam; bigla na lang ako nainis. Pero actually, alam ko kung bakit talaga… ayaw ko lang aminin na dahil yun dun. Naiisip ko kase yung kagagahan ko dati pagdating dun sa taong hindi ko alam kung ba’t ko pinag-aaksayahan ng panahon. Ewan ko nga ba. Ang tagal-tagal na. paulit-ulit ko nang nare-realize kung ano ba talaga at alam ko na wala naman talagang patutunguhan. Pero bakit ba ganun; habang pinipilit kong ilayo ang sarili ko sa bulag na pag-asa, parang mas lalo akong nabubulag, parang mas lalo akong lumalapit. Nakakalungkot dahil ni hindi nga alam nung taong yun yung mga sentimyento ko sa buhay na siya ang dahilan tapos magagalit pa ko sa kanya. Anong klase yun? Wala lang? Hindi pwedeng dahil feel ko lang. Hindi rin pwedeng dahil yun talaga yung nararamdaman ko at masikip talaga sa dibdib. Sarilinin ko na lang hanggang mamatay ako. Ganun ba dapat yun? Madalas kong nararadaman kung pa’no ko nagmumukhang tanga, nagmumukhang kawawa dahil pinipilit kong isiksik ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw sakin at pinipilit kong papaniwalain ang sarili ko na “Who Knows?!?!” Pusang-galang ‘who knows’ yan… ekaya nga, wlang nakakaalam… malay ko… malay natin… e kung wala naman talaga at walang dadating na oras… nagsayang lang ako ng panahon. Oo na, impokrita ako kung hindi ako nakakaramdam ng saya pag napapag-usapan yan (siya o kami), tapos ano? Patataasin ko na naman yung pag-asa ko na meron nga. WALA NGAAAAA!!!! Nararamdaman ko naman yun e. Kahit ga’no ako ka-pathetic kapag nagku-krus yung landas namin, kahit ga’no ko maihi-ihi sa kilig ‘pag (a) nakakausap ko siya (b) nakakatext ko siya (c) nakakachat ko siya (d) nakikita ko siya [halos mag-hyperventilate ako sa kaba], katumbas na lungkot ang nararamdaman ko pagkatapos nang lahat… dahil nga hanggang dun lang yun… hanggang dun lang talaga… hanggang dun at wala nang ibang patutunguhan. Malala pa nun, nararamdaman ko kung ga’no ko ganun ka-hindi importante sa kanya. Sobrang hindi. Sobrang –BLAH- ganun… dang lungkot lungkot lungkot. Eh anong magagawa ko…

Haayyyy… tama na… ayoko na talaga.

Gap tooth annoys me

I quote this guy (whose name I can't remember from the book I am currently reading - Love in the Time of Cholera) : "There are only two types of people in this world - those who can make shit happen and those who cannot."

Why does this phrase sound too familiar? Probably because I keep repeating it over and over in my head every day of my ***damn life in this inferno on earth. You really can't judge a person by the gap between his teeth; you have to experience the brutal blow of his arrogance hitting you straight in the face. I am so pissed right now that I want to beat him up and leave him half-dead to be devoured by carnivorous ants. (sorry, i can't do it anyway...)

He's one perfect example of those who can make shit happen... and make a mess at your *pusang galang* expense! i wish he'd just mind his own business and just let me do the things I'm suppose to do. Is he a victm of this pitiful hierarchical concept that kills people before they know it? It's so sad how power can overcome what needs to be more powerful -- selfworth.

How many living specimens of God realize it? How much thoughts are they willing to invest to realize in the end that it is all worth it. How can they choose the narrow path to condemnation and pawn their souls to infinite suffering in exchange of the fleeting "power" they would get a hold of while living on earth? It is so sad.

So I'll just let him be and mind my own business as long as I can stand it. I just wish he's never push my limit 'coz i can be more than a Hell Spawn when I need to be. Watch your back. (Just kidding!)

I really don't get it

A friend has been giving me cold shoulders since this weekend. I know I may have done something wrong to piss her off but I already said sorry... well, technically, this other friend (my co-conspirator, it seems) and me already explained what happened and we said sorry. Seems like she doesn't want to accept our apology.

It's just sad that when I feel like everything's not going my way (AQ-speaking), THIS happens. I mean we never intended to make her feel bad. I don't want to make anybody feel bad in the first place. I guess I just miss her. I miss our group - the happy ones; those who felt like they never cared about the world at all and appreciate the littlest things that make them laugh like crazy.

I wanted to apologize for the -nth time but knowing the b**ch in me, I'd rather not speak than get another cold treatment. But seriously, I really want to talk to her and iron out the fringes. It's always worth a try anyway. =(